A very untimely review of Captain Marvel

Finally saw Captain Marvel last night. I've really fallen behind on Marvel movies (and superhero movies in general). Early on, I made a point of seeing every new superhero release while it was in a theater, and was eager for each new release. But, with the exception of Thor: Ragnarok, it's been a while since I saw a superhero movie I found really satisfying. I feel like the food critic in the movie Ratatouille, always disappointed. There's a perfect moment when the critic is asked why he writes about food since he hates it so much and he responds, with genuine passion, that he's critical not because he hates food, but because he loves it. That's me with superhero movies. I'm not critical because I hate superheroes, but because I genuinely love them.

That said, wow, Captain Marvel was terrible. The writing was simply dreadful.

1. Huge science fiction logic plot holes. So, the skrulls are looking for a light speed engine so they can go find a new home planet. Um... how did they get to Earth, exactly, if they don't already have FTL travel? And, obviously, the Kree are jumping all around the galaxy in FTL ships. Given how fluently the Skrull can imitate others, why not just steal a Kree ship?

2. A really confusing origin story. So, Captain Marvel can shoot photon blasts. She implies in her conversation with Fury that all Kree can do this, since shooting a photon blast is how she proves she's a Kree. And apparently she's been given Kree blood? But, her real power comes from the explosion of the FTL drives energy core, which turns out to be the tesseract, so fine, whatever. And her Kree mentor has been actively suppressing her full powers. Why? Apparently, instead of killing her, he's kidnapped Carol, erased her memories, and dampened her powers... for what purpose, exactly? A lot of Marvel movies suffer from lame villains with fuzzy goals, but this might be the worst of the lot.

3. An insanely overpowered hero versus very lame bad guy final confrontation. So, Carol flies through outer space under her own power and destroys space ships by punching them. Exploding nuclear warheads don't even slow her down. THEN, we get a showdown between her and the mentor who betrayed her (and don't get me started on the mentor betraying the hero cliche), and at this point he seems to be just an ordinary dude with a gun and some kind of energy shield that protects his forearm, since apparently that's the only part of his body that needs protecting. The fight lasts about as long as you'd expect it to. Zero tension, zero stakes, zero importance to the plot or character development. One could argue that the real hero battle was Carol fighting the spaceships, but this was also pretty lame. The big bad guy on the scene was Ronan the Accuser, and he basically just stands there. He's carrying a big ass hammer. Is it just for looks? Couldn't he at least take a swing? But, if it did turn out that he could give Carol a good fight, what would it matter? He had no character development at all, no motives, and no menace.

4. An origin that explains powers, but not motives. An exploding alien spaceship gives Carol her powers. I'm totally fine with that. How the character gets her powers is the absolute least important part of any superhero origin. The important part is what happened in the past that shaped that character into a hero. Spider-Man doesn't fight crime because of the radioactive spider bite. In fact, when he first got his power, he tried to think of how to use them to make money. And then, because he doesn't use his powers to stop a criminal, that criminal goes on to kill his uncle, and Spider-Man learns that he can't turn a blind eye to any sort of crime. But Captain Marvel's underlying motives for using her powers for good are... I don't know. There's a whole montage showing us how tough she is, always getting back up after getting knocked down. This is a good trait for a hero, but not exactly a motive. This is the same problem that Hal Jordan has as Green Lantern. He has a power origin, but no emotional hook that explains why he needs to be a hero.

5. The movie didn't even look good. Sometimes superhero movies are just one stupid plot point piled on top of another, with confusing stakes and lame villains, but, wow, they still looked amazing. I thought the first Avengers movie fit this. A Norse god conquers earth with generic aliens. The heroes squabble, then learn to work together. There are some explosions, the end.There's not an original idea anywhere near this script. But, holy cow, turn off the sound and just watch the movie and it's visually stunning. The set designers of Captain Marvel really phoned it in. The Kree homeworld looked like a leftover Star Trek TV set. The first big confrontation with the Kree happens in the dark and in a fog. The government facility Fury and Carol break into is just a bunch of generic hallways. It's like they spent all their special effects budget making Greg Clark look like Conan O'Brien and didn't have any money left over to do anything else. Compare the alien worlds and spaceships here to Thor: Ragnarok or either Guardians of the Galaxy. Marvel knows how to make this stuff look good if they want to. Kirby, Ditko, Byrne, Perez... they've got a huge library of stylish artwork to bring to life. 

6. And speaking of phoning in a performance, Brie Larson was pretty underwhelming. A LOT of this has to do with weak writing. It's not like she was given any scenes where she could show any sort of emotional range. But Carol Danver's primary personality trait throughout the movie was her ability to make quips in the face of danger, and these were delivered without any hint of wit or timing. She's good at looking determined and tough, but the rest of the time she looks bored and detached. It might be unfair to compare her to Robert Downey Jr, but he really sells a character with a complex inner life. He can show arrogance and self doubt at the same moment, he can deliver a witty quip that is plainly disguising fear, he can openly admit to fear while drawing on a deeper courage. He can show genuine empathy for the plight of others, then switch just as quickly into spoiled asshole rich guy with the blink of an eye. When he's betrayed by his mentor, his eyes convey pain and confusion and vulnerability. And it's not that he's always given great material. The second Iron Man movie had dreadful writing, but Downey seemed to be trying to make the best of each moment he was on screen. Larson just seemed to be spending a lot of the film waiting for the next fight scene.

Hopefully, with better writing and better directing, future installments will be better. There were few hints in the first two Thor movies or the first two Avenger's films that Chris Helmsworth was much more than a living action figure. And, Carol goes into her future films mostly a blank slate. You could still write an emotionally compelling origin story. There's a certain underlying loneliness built into her established backstory. Hopefully, they'll take a few creative risks next time.